Recipe: The Ultimate No Fail Way to Make Tofu Delicious!!

For those that have no idea what tofu is first an explanation.
Tofu is not short hand for: To F U

Glad I could clear that up for you.

Let me quote Wikipedia for you:
“Tofu, also known as bean curd, is a food made by coagulating soy milk and then pressing the resulting curds into soft white blocks. It is a component in East Asian and Southeast Asian cuisines. There are many different varieties of tofu, including fresh tofu and tofu that has been processed in some way. Tofu is bought or made to be soft, firm, or extra firm. Tofu has a subtle flavor and can be used in savory and sweet dishes. It is often seasoned or marinated to suit the dish.”

So let’s clear something up at the start, shall we? Tofu does not have to be a bland part of your meal. There are many varieties of tofu chose from, and just as many ways to prepare it. But let’s skip all that for now: here we are looking for perfect simplicity. And that means there’s really only one cooking method you need to know to make tofu that is delicious, versatile, and perfect for any meal! Learn this simple, no-fail way to cook tofu, you’ll never be disappointed.

1) Take tofu and rinse
2) Toss tofu in the recycling bin
3) Go buy some meat
4) Fire up the grill and get barbecuing

Problem of bland tasteless tofu solved easily and forever!

What is your method for improving bland foods? Tell me in the comments below.

And you are most welcome!

Ramble: Blogging Advice from Hell

It has suddenly dawned on me what this world needs more of, oh so much more. First of all you all need more advice and wisdom. Don’t worry I have that covered – so stay with me and I’ll share that with you. No charge. Second of all the world simply needs more lists. So here is a dangling listicle of advisement pleasure:

  1. There are no rules for blogging. Yes you heard me right – you get to do whatever you think is best when writing a blog. Shocking I know. Take a deep breath and let that sink in for a moment.
  2. There are rules for good blogging. Yeah I messed with you there with Number 1, and that first big reveal of freedom. There are things you can do to create an effective popular blog. When I find out what those things are I will share them with you via an e-book. Only $29.95. But if you pre-order now I will take say $5 via paypal? It is an investment in your future.
  3. Don’t write poetry. Poetry blogs suck. Anyone that writes poetry sucks. They are angst filled pound-puppy rejects of blogging swill. Don’t believe me? This is a Poetry Blog – go ahead take a look around – OH…and bring a bucket.
  4. Post Photos. Lots of photos. It will guarantee your success as a blogger. The internet started out as text and slip-streamed into images and video faster than a porn-star on blow. Which reminds me that the biggest hits on the internet are naked pictures of women and cats. Only the cats aren’t naked. The other common element is both types of photos often include boxes of on kind or another. Mostly the other.

    http://farm1.static.flickr.com/30/91108977_7f069dc9a4.jpg

    Obligatory naked pussy-cat photo…

  5. Sex. I don’t have to explain this do I? You know the old saying those who can do – and the rest of us read about it.
  6. Be a woman blogger. Women bloggers get followers faster than flowers get bees. Especially attractive women. And if you are a witty, attractive woman it is even better. Add a provocative photo of yourself, and the internet is like a baby crying for a nipple. I started a TUMBLR account as a twenty-something woman, re-posting steamy photos and I had more followers and dirty emails in a month then I could handle. And mostly those emails were all about the handling. I deleted the account.
  7. Be a celebrity blogger. Nothing says success like being a celebrity sharing your thoughts and opinions on everything, everywhere, every time. Of course being a celebrity kinda bypasses the whole chicken-and-egg dilemma from the blogging sense. Being a celebrity ensures the success of your blog no matter what you are saying. Add some photos of yourself – maybe topless sun-bathing and Oh-la-la! And yes twitter counts as blogging when you post every 30-seconds…
  8. Write about celebrities. It is like Number 7 in a coat-tails parasitic symbiosis kinda way. And I mean that in the best ways possible! Naked photos add hits (see Jennifer Lawrence…)
  9. Be funny! I cannot emphasize this enough. Funny gets you followers. We all lead bitter lonely lives in our own silent realities – why do I need to read about someone else’s sad sorry life? I tried to be funny once – it was quite the tragedy.
  10. Be tragic! I just said “Be Funny” and now I say “Be Tragic”? Look I don’t have to be right when I give out free advice, but I do have to cover all the bases. The best thing in the world is a sad-tragic tale told in a darkly humorous style. It is good to laugh – it is even better to laugh at other people’s misery and stupidity!  Add some photographs and SNAP! You is a blogging star.
  11. Create Lists. Lots and lots of lists. Want people to view hundreds of naked women (or fully furred felines?) then create a list of TOP-TEN Bikini Bodies. Mix in pictures of cats in bikinis and you have multiple points from this list covered! You will be a google god!
  12. Mention Jennifer Lawrence at least once. Search Optimization. Jennifer Lawrence Naked is the number one search term out there.
  13. Never have Thirteen items in your list. It is just way too long!
  14. Post in time for breakfast. People want to read short-snappy feel good items as they have a coffee. Eggs over-easy with a side of listicals. Oh that is good.

I guarantee that if you follow my advice you will be a blogger. Mainly because if you follow my advice you will create a blog – and so it follows you are then a blogger. The successful part has nothing to do with me or my listical of blogging wisdom.

Carry on and keep blogging.

http://healthyceleb.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/Jennifer-Lawrence-2014.jpg

Jennifer Lawerence – hey is she actually wearing anything?

Ramble: Blogging Cold Stark Reality

It is silent here.

No laughter. No voices. No keyboard clicks of wonderment and joy.

It is empty here. Mostly it has always been that way. The longer I do this blogging act of desperation, the wiser I become as to my own talent and star-power. I got nothing.

I’ve tried the various techniques to build audience and traffic. Did the hours and hours of visits to other blogs and other sites. Leaving traces of my own passing. Calling cards and invitations for others to come back here and play. Natch.

I posted two poems yesterday. I have over 3000 theoretical followers. I cross-posted and re-posted across a dozen other sites and social media hubs. Wait what is that sound? Do you hear it. It is only the wind whispering over the Ethernet, the wind chortling ever so softly: “loser.”

Yesterday’s grand total views: 32
And over half of those views are here: http://merlinspielen.com/2013/06/18/fear-of-apples/

I guess I should take solace that I own the searches for Fear of Apples and Malusdomesticaphobia. I am a google god!

Why do I bother? Been 4 years of posting now. Almost daily. I should probably stop wasting my time. Or at least stop fretting about how many people read these words.

So tell me is anyone actually reading these posts? Or should I just pack it all in and fuggedaboutit…

I know mainly what I am doing wrong is writing crappy meaningless poetry. Without any pretty pictures. I should include pictures. Pretty pictures of naked women to accompany my poems. Of course if I had naked women to to take pictures of, well I wouldn’t be writing poetry. I’d have other things on my mind. Or at least on my face…oh now maybe that will get me some more hits! Salacious delicious sexual content.

Okay carry on then – did my regular angst-dump on WTF am I doing writing this crap and paying for the privilege of hosting.

The reality is sinking in at this point. I am quite adequate with words. I’m just not very good at it. And no matter what I will always scrawl out random stanza’s that leak from another dimension.

Yeah I know: Life isn’t fair, and that is just the way it is. I saw Labyrinth so I get the life-lesson already.

Bueller?

Poem: Iambic Penta-Manure

“The challenge,” said the bard, “is simply stress;
applied with timing right and words still fresh.
He handed quill and ink for me to say
how I compare you to a summer day.

…, iambic mumble penned in metric botch
poetic mangled mayhem — meaning lost ….
I cannot write a lyric verse. Just watch
as stanzas freely given form are tossed
in steaming heaps of verbal dung and stench.
I best surcease from writing with a wrench.

The bard now hangs his head in shame
because my verse is much too lame.

Poem: Iterative Patterns

(Veni, Vidi, Vici: Latin for I came, I saw, I conquered. See Julius Caesar…)

contextually
i can see
we are infinite
retellings of
unoriginal plays
you do as you do
while I do too
and back again
up and down
while all the world’s
upstaged chronicled
by a few good pens

I have done nothing
I have said nothing
that hasn’t already

contextually
i can see
we are infinite
reframings of
veni
vidi
vici
and then I
veni
some more…