What God has joined together let no man put asunder
traditional Christian marriage ceremony
Nothing lasts forever – yet there I was nearly 13 years ago promising eternity to the woman beside me. In all fairness I do need to clearly and openly state she is a lovely human being. And at the moment in time and space I had no reason not to pledge myself to be forever united with her – or at least until death did us part. Who knew that we would part before death even hinted closure on either of us?
We had already been living together for 5 years when we decided to make it official and seal it with wedding vows. A small ceremony of joy and on to happy ever after.
It is over now. Torn asunder. We are now divorced after a long tedious legal journey that by official records began October 4th, 2009. At least we made some lawyers happy and financially better off. Really it all started unravelling before that date – but the legal system does like precise facts and figures. October 4th is just the date where I grew tired of the “if you don’t like it divorce me!” challenge whenever we had a difference of opinion. On that date I finally said, “you know what you are correct and here is how we do it…”
Sadly, it wasn’t as simple as I imagined it might be – at least in my version of logical reality. In my simple view of the world we just agreed to split things, agreed to shared custody, and ongoing shared costs. I worked out the math and presented the final numbers. How silly of me. I should have realized that my being a complete idiot would prevent that from happening.
You see, over the many years of us living together, it had become clear to my partner that I was stupid, inept, socially moronic, child-like, incompetent, financially irresponsible, verbally abusive, mentally abusive, lazy, fat, unhygienic, tasteless, unfashionable, and subhuman. If she had not saved me from my pathetic lonely single existence there is no doubt I would have been living as a homeless street bum begging for coins from every passerby. At least that is the story I got to hear over and over again. Parts of that assessment of me may even be true. In my own head, and in my own version, I am better than all of that – but then again we are all the hero of our own biography.
And now that is all done. Completed. Battle-over. Victory declared and the spoils of war divided and allocated. It is an incredible relief. My blood pressure readings have dropped over 20 points since everything has been signed, and transacted. My heart has stopped racing at odd times for no reason.
Now what? I actually feel empty right now. The years of battling and constant bickering preoccupied and consumed an obsessively ridiculous amount of energy and life force. After being in a heightened state of adrenaline and worry for so long I now feel deflated. I am nullified. I think I am depressed.
Perhaps I should look for another relationship? Or should I? It isn’t like I haven’t been open to the possibility of the last few years. I have even had some dates with women who have read my blog and thought I was some wild passionate artistic type. We go out and they realize I am just a boring, fat, old man who has a rich inner fantasy life, and a mundane real world. Reality sucks that way.
The problem is simply that I have no charm. Charisma is an innate quality that cannot be cultivated or faked. Or at least not successfully faked for long. I am cautious and quiet by nature. I am thoughtful and observant and steadfast. I see and hear the world around me and create patterns of reflection. And that is just rather bland in the overall exciting “live for the moment” world in which North Americans think they live.
I have been going to social events for singles. One would think my odds would be fairly good since the groups consist mostly of women. At many of the events there are four women for every male in attendance. I have struck up many conversations – and even thought I had sensed a connection with a few of the women – yet over 3 years I have zero dates. That is simply pathetic.
Now I cannot say that I have had no offers – a couple of women have boldly asked me out and even offered potential naked intimacy. Yet, I have absolutely no romantic interest in those wonderful ladies. It seems I have mismatched chemistry at play! It is like some farcical Shakespearean romantic comedy – one where I play the role of Falstaff. The common man as buffoon. I desire what I desire – and in turn I do not desire what is offered. Well actually there was one offer I did want to enjoy and accept – only it was a “one time only never to be repeated” offer. A nibble that would have left me longing.
Perhaps I should just accept that any love is good love and take what I can get. Enjoy what is now – and let tomorrow look after its own needs. Yet somehow that doesn’t feel right. I guess I am not enough of a hedonist to pursue flesh for the sake of flesh. My reluctance to compromise when I am of limited appeal means I will remain a celibate hermit in the wilderness.
I guess that would be all just fine and dandy if I did not have a crush. Yes I know pathetic. She clearly has no interest in me by any stretch of the imagination – and believe me my imagination is very stretchable! I have asked her out for coffee at work – and she has always declined. It is clear I do nothing for her – and yet I find her walking across me thoughts in the oddest moments. Ahhh – what a sad complex world we humans weave!
So there we are – the sad pathos of my imaginary romance! I guess I will just have to set myself up as a sugar-daddy to a struggling visual artist who needs studio space and someone to pay her bills. In return she can paint me vibrant paintings and escort me to art-show openings where we can discuss the merits of post-modernism.
At least I can dream.