Bright red, blood red
warm beckoning glow
bursting flowers spread
beneath the hedgerow
you and I
enrapt
in words
entrapped
in longing
unable to cross
boundary lines
refined
undefined
limitations
on acceptable
respectable
logical
you and I
I would
if I could
strip us both
of these rules
leave us naked
vulnerable
each to each
beneath the sun
bleeding hearts
exposed reposed
beating breathing
skin to skin
flesh to flesh
life to life
simply
being
you and I
passing summer wind
sweetly kisses pond’s surface
stirring memories
Inspired by the word prompt “RIPPLES” at
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“Chivalry,” 1885 by Sir Frank Dicksee (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
to do what is right
requires no armour at all
- simply take action.
Inspired by the word prompt “CHIVALRY” at
>
Here I am in a crowd of people. Well not just a random crowd, more a gathering of people with a common goal and a common thread. Professional colleagues with common interests and common threads of history. Rubbing shoulders in a discussion of the foibles of technology, and planning. and bureaucracy.
In other words a conference.
Sessions and discussions and mingling. Not my first time here. Certainly not my last time here. I will be back again and again. Here I am as a speaker and panelist sharing my knowledge, and to learn from others.
And I have not had a full conversation for three days now. Rather surprising really. The worst part of being with a group is the silence and being on the outside. I follow the crowd from room to room and event to event. Seeing familiar faces that pause to say hello before moving on to some other destination.
Nice to see you they say, and before I can engage, respond, speak they are gone. I am not sure if they have really spoken to me, or to the person beside or behind me. I feel invisible. Translucent. An observer of what is happening.
This is very odd really and I am not sure why. At times it feels as if there is a secret that everyone else knows and I have missed out on. Perhaps I have a sign on my forehead, or my back?
At the social event I sat at a table with somewhat familiar faces. Pleasant exchanges of noises. The “hey hello how are you…” and then back to regular programming as I faded into the chair. I a slight breeze rustling through their words, and then I am silence.
I am fading away somehow, becoming less and less. My voice simply background noises. How do I stop this – stop myself from becoming another invisible man? A passing thought pondered for a second and then gone forever.
Posted in Debt, Depression, Joke, Schadenfreude, Writing, |Ramble
Tagged Blame, dream, Inner, moving ahead, Ramble, self, wasting time, words, Writing
Hah – made ya look! Now don’t go away – keep me company for a bit and read some more! Oh come on don’t look so miffed that I am not writing some sexual dark secret on these pages.
So, obviously, that title has nothing to do with what I am mulling musing overdoing and mentally chewing. Just being bored and silly and poking at the keyboard. There is zero chance of any STD stories from this end of the internet. Well unless I get one from the toilet seat – and that just ain’t much of a story is it?
For some reason Sound of Music songs began playing in my head this morning. “The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music!”
Quite an enjoyable movie – and well the song “How do you Solve a Problem like Maria?” that we liked to make fun as teenage boys by singing “What Do you Do with a Problem like Gonorrhea?”
(In case you want the proper answer to that it is see a doctor, and get treated! NOW.)
Well that is all I got today – my brain is elsewhere and real poetry and word-play elude me this late spring morning in June. A quiet Sunday with nothing to do but write random thoughts and sip cold coffee.
There – that is something I can go do! Take a walk to the coffee-shop and get a hot cup of coffee and watch people going about their own Sunday freedom. Perhaps I will be inspired by something I overhear as I wander.
Priority. I keep seeing that word lately. It pops up when I least expect it. There seems to be a whole lot of “priority” going around – at least in some individual minds! So what exactly does that word mean?
pri•or•i•ty (praɪˈɔr ɪ ti, -ˈɒr-) n., pl. -ties.
1. the state or quality of being earlier in time or occurrence.
2. the right to take precedence in obtaining supplies, services, etc., as during a shortage.
3. the right to precede others in order, rank, privilege, etc.; precedence.
4. something given special or prior attention.[1350–1400; Middle English < Middle French < Medieval Latin]
So basically to “come before.” That of course leads to a whole double entendre to explore. I’ll leave that to your fertile imaginations to fill in the meanings and appropriate sniggering. Take 30-seconds and indulge. There now – all done? Okay to continue…
The word priority seems to have be derived from Latin via French so let us wander the prior roots of the word. Priority arrives fairly directly via the Latin word prior which itself comes from old Latin “pri” meaning “before” and still lurking with as at the prefix “pre”. Which might be why the word prefix means – well what it means! A rather straight forward word evolution it would seem until you step back from “pri/pre” to an older root of “per”…
Interesting that older step back is actually not speaking of “before” but rather “with” or “through” or “by the means of”. The per/pre muddle is a common spelling issue with many English words leading to changes of meaning by the small transposition of two characters. Percept and Precept being an example of the subtle spelling and vast meaning differences! A Percept is a “thing perceived” and a Precept is a “rule of conduct.”
At the heart of priority is a concept of ranking and entitlement. A judgement passed on the perceived value of something or someone in comparison to another something or someone. A priority is more valued and prized and so receives an elevated privilege. A privilege being an “advantage granted” to an individual.
Given that relationship of “per” and “pre” how did we step from “by means of” to “in advance of”. It turns out that pri or prae has another meaning of “beyond”. To arrive at something “by means of” implies that there is a place “beyond” where we are now. Per/pre/prae/pro/pri all maintain this meaning, and in middle English those forms were often interchanged – making for a lack of clarity of some middle English texts/documents when modern English scholars read them. Words mean what we want them to mean – until language evolves and leaves the written word behind!
In some older texts words like percept/precept/procept may have simply been the same word to the writer/reader of the time and is not conveying any variation in meaning.
Back then to the concept of “priority.” Note the “pri” prefix. An interesting history of this little prefix is its Ancient Greek roots tied up with male privilege. Priapos or Priapus is the Greek God of virility. The male reproductive power. While the pri/pre/per roots all inherit their roots from the Latin “pri” – the Greek “pri” also gets muddled in there! Now remember our earlier snigger at the double entendre. Well apparently there is a multi-lingual plethora of meaning at play (is this where I would make reference to a cunning linguist?)
Interesting that we can see many “pri” words are related to male privilege and power in English from our “Prime” numbers into “Priority”. Early scholars creating the roots of the European languages would have been aware of this relationship of the Greek and Roman “pri” and like all humans keenly aware of the symbolic interplay of words and status. A pun being the lowest form of wit – so a Prior would be the head male in rank and also by privilege of penis.
Yes I am playing here with fanciful word relationships and I realize that no direct etymological derivations have ever been proven. It does amuse me however to think that the largest priority is generally bestowed on the biggest prick.
A little ramble to amuse my day! What do you think? Should I perhaps undertake a linguist thesis on the implications of “pri” words?
Posted in Debt, Ethics, Joke, Schadenfreude, Writing, |Ramble
Tagged Blame, dream, Inner, moving ahead, Ramble, self, wasting time, words, Writing
The Fables of Aesop (Photo credit: dierken)
grasshopper and ant
sharing a summer moment
- then Aesop walked by
Inspired by the word prompt “MORAL” at
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can’t you see
how these tears
you created
are slow flowing
crystal patterns
spiderweb sparkles
dripping silence
on my soul?
don’t you know
each one drops
inside my heart
a tiny diamond
brilliant cold
light wrapped
around a flaw
sharp-edged
perfection
ripping flesh
with each beat
and breath?
You said sweetly
you loved me
would love me
forever
be my pillar
and I yours
no matter
the past
the present
the future
unconditionally
I let you slice
away those parts
that stood in your way
leaving me bare
ashamed to be
myself anymore
that just wasn’t
good enough.
You stole my secrets
speaking them out loud
sniggering
chortling
at my weakness
you cut my hair
stole my strength
left me blinded
opened my eyes
as you fondled
my festering wounds
you made me see
with crystal eyes
and frozen heart
all the lies
entwined in our lives
and how the pillars
of you and I
needed to break
and so I did
pushing lightly
they fell crashing
bringing down this home
we had imagined
now I kneel
forlorn
in this wreckage
alone
pulsing in time
to the sound
of your scorn
my torn heart
bleeds diamonds.
You tell me to turn on the lights
wander around go see the sights
You tell me to leave the shadows
get in sunshine see how it glows
You don’t understand me at all
or how I’m feeling so damn small
can’t you see this darkness needs me
to keep alive what you’d burn away?
All I hear is endless voices
giving hopeless pointless choices
telling us what we should believe
without any truth or a please
You don’t understand this at all
or hear the longing in my call
can’t you feel this darkness needs you
waiting no matter what you do?
There’s no shame here in the darkness
We’re all equal here in the darkness
Draw the blinds and the kill the lights now
under the covers I’ll show you how
We don’t understand this at all
its where we began before the fall
this is why the darkness needs us
lie back,feel it. just acquiesce
inside us there’s no light shining
only dark spills past our lining
our hearts beat inside out of sight
and die when exposed to the light
Can’t you see this darkness needs me
just like I need this sweet darkness
its the only thing keeping me sane
its the main thing keeping me sane
come here and touch my darkness
feel it slip across you skin
here you are with the real me
unchained unpained darkly free
come here wallow in my darkness
come here infuse your dark with me.
your darkness needs me
In syntax, a transitive verb is a verb that requires one or more objects. The term is used to contrast intransitive verbs, which do not have objects.
You reshaped me world
into transitive moments
of action and longing
acting on all that is
around me
in me
of me
I gave you my (object)
and gained freedom in return
Or at least that is what
you would call this nothing
that fills the space where
my (object) once was…
Posted in Debt, Depression, Joke, Schadenfreude, Writing, |Ramble
Tagged Blame, dream, Inner, moving ahead, Ramble, self, wasting time, words, Writing
Perfection is an elusive thing. And apparently a rather obsessive thing. North American culture is rather obsessed with perfection, or at least the appearance of perfection. No doubt this is why Photoshop is now a household word.
I find it ironic that in this culture of ‘instant’ and ’I want it now’, that we will take so much time time and energy over our public displays. Social networking is slipping more and more towards the visual world, and part of that is the thousand different visual enhancement tools out there. Digital photos cleaned and preened and filtered and shifted and phased to just present that perfect look to capture that surreal moment of living.
Look at me doing this wonderful thing in such a perfect way. Are you jealous yet?
I being the single, plain, ordinary, regular, chubby, old dude have been obsessing over my online dating profile. Yes tired of the exciting evening and weekend single life of dish washing, laundry and dinner for one I have ventured into the online love fest.
This is not easy – even when one is a svelte catlike example of prime manhood like myself. Well maybe I am not catlike, or svelte. Or prime. But I am an example of manhood on the prowl. Well maybe no prowling either. More of an ambling shuffle really.
So do I stick with honesty in my profile? Early morning wake-up snapshot of my best face in the mirror? Or late evening rumbled look of a well-lived life and evening stubble? Do I go “don’t give a damn”, or “hey I love myself as I am – so take me as I am.” Honesty or facade?
This seems like fishing. Perhaps this is why one dating site is called Plenty of Fish. Work out the lure, the bait, set the hook, and OH MY! Whoa would you look at the fillet on that one! Except, if it is anything like real fishing I somehow end up with the snags and bottom feeders, and no game fish at all.
And so back to the photo. Do I go realism or fantasy? I am a computer guy so I can digitally enhance my assets with no problem at all – a little nip and tuck here. A stretch there. A layer there. And look at that lovely package all wrapped up as the gift that keeps on giving.
So anyway several months later and this is my success rate: Out of all contact attempts. ZERO replies. Chirp. Chirp. Hmmm. I apparently ain’t got it. It rather sucks on the old ego to get the big old goose egg of LOVE. Now I understand the tennis use of the word…
I was careful with my wording no “experienced man of the world seeks active energetic companion for wild adventures in exploring the physical and intellectual world…” opening tagline. I went more sublime and zen-like to capture my thoughtful caring nature. Apparently, that approach has no cache.
Now I know nothing about online dating and I can guess that women that are online – especially the ones that have posted reasonably lovely pictures of themselves are flooded with messages. Men clamoring “pick me, pick me, and I will rock your world!” In all that din I have no chance. The reality is I won’t rock anyone’s world. Never have and never will. I will never change anyone’s world – and I have no desire to do so. I’m looking for an adult relationship of mutual respect and understanding. The sad reality of being human is I have no god-like powers of any kind to make anybody happy. We each decide to be happy, or mad, or sad as suits the moment and our inner dialogue.
This is perhaps the danger of being more mature and trying to date. The accumulated wisdom of time has mellowed passion to a constant flow – neither too much or too little. I won’t thrill you with obsessive compulsive devotion, and I won’t bore you with ongoing distracted inner melodrama.
Really, I am looking for someone to exchange words with – thoughtful conversation and ideas and feelings. Some one to nestle with on the couch and review the day behind, and the dreams ahead. Unfortunately, there is no drama in any of that wanting desire. It is simply the human connect to with another.
Maybe I just need to accept that from here on forward my life is solo. My bed will remain empty. My heart will grow cold. No more lovers for my arms. Only my memories of youthful desire and hunger, reminisced now in blogs and over that occasional coffee out with friends.
Conversations that begin “Remember when…” and trail off into lingering inner silence, and the nodding of heads.
Ahhh Perfection indeed – I have been in perfections fleeting embrace. And then had to slip from bed and take part in the less perfect moments of living an ordinary life. Always thinking that perfection would be back that night with a smile, soft words and a gentle touch.
Apparently, perfection simply has other plans.
Posted in Debt, Depression, Joke, Schadenfreude, Writing, |Ramble
Tagged Blame, dream, Inner, moving ahead, Ramble, self, wasting time, words, Writing
spontaneously
bursting burbling like magic
from deep down inside.
Inspired by the word prompt “JOY” at
>
broken mountain bits
from time’s cold hard memory
tumbled smooth downstream.
Inspired by the word prompt “STONE” at
>
There is that phrase again hiding as a title. Yesterday it was the other-way around Always an Option, Never a Priority. Sometimes I hear things, read things, find things and they rattle around inside my head and I have no idea where they come from. How they appeared. It is like there is another thought stream going on that likes to throw words my way to see if I can catch them.
This morning first thing that pops into me head is Always an Option…Always an Option…Always an…
You get that idea – pretty OCD at that as well. And I am thinking WTF (yes I had been thinking that since Wednesday, Thursday Friday) and now it is WTFS!!! Time to track down this insanity via Google. What did we do before Google was an option? And I do mean before Alta Vista…
Turns out my little stuck phrase is from the wit and wisdom of Mark Twain. Always an Option, Never a Priority is actually his brilliant advice of “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” That is excellent advice Mr. Twain. If I could be half as brilliant as Mr. Twain I would be half a Mark! And that is the gospel truth of the matter.
That line also captures my entire life history. Good advice indeed, and it is the good advice I just can’t take. Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think? To follow that advice I would actually have had to have been someone’s priority at some point. How does one actually get to be someone else’s priority? First you would have to make them your priority? Isn’t that the way it works? So is it just straight up: “Hey there I’d like to be your priority?”
Some how that just seems stalkerish and creepozoid…or consider the softer: “I’d like to make you my priority – would you reciprocate?” Nope not much better. Maybe even worse. Too Mr. Spock on that one. Don’t get me wrong I like Mr. Spock and all his logical focus – just never creates a real connection.
So back to the chant in the my brain lately – I am always an option. Don’t get me wrong people like me well enough when I am around them. We converse and laugh and joke. And then when I am out of sight I am clearly out of mind. I walk off-stage and like good Fifth Business I am gone. Did my part to advance the plot, set the stage, move ahead the scene. Now exit stage left.
I exist on Facebook and many other social networks online. I converse and exchange funny thoughts, and get my likes connected and inter-connected with a thousand acquaintances, connected to another thousand acquaintances. Online social networks are always surface interactions. The name of the primary social network says it all. Facebook. A place to display a face, a facet of ourselves in careful preened and selected layers of vanity. Look at me! See my face! Pose, snap, pose…
Which in the end always leaves me as an option. The third wheel looking for a purpose. Or perhaps that common fifth wheel called a spare tire waiting for my moment of need so I can be used to the satisfaction of all involved. Then back into my trunk until a blow-out calls me forth again. “Hey there I have a problem…”
Yeah me too.
Posted in Debt, Depression, Joke, Schadenfreude, Writing, |Ramble
Tagged Blame, dream, Inner, moving ahead, Ramble, self, wasting time, words, Writing
The world is a funny place. Mostly. Except when it isn’t a funny place at all – which really is actually quite often. So probably the world isn’t a funny place at all, just that it really really would be a funny place if it wasn’t for the tragedy. Other than that tragic flaw of the world – it truly is mostly a funny place. Okay now that I have messed up my opening line and absolutely mind-boggled the logic circuits from your brain cells – where exactly was I headed?
Don’t you hate that when you walk out of one room and into the next and suddenly realize that the dazzling sun-catchers have bedazzled you into forgetting why you so purposefully were just striding into the room. “Oh look I am here to complete my great quest to…” and OH LOOK pretty sparkly lights. Look how they shine and dance in a flicker-flacker fairy spray of delight. And then you stand there realizing you have no real idea why you are now in the kitchen admiring sparkles.
So then you back-track to the previous room and see what made you hurry into the kitchen – or wherever – and you do the face-palm of DOH! Marching promptly back to complete your quest only to have the cat perform a spastic-catastic moment of cat cuteness forcing your brain to derail into another moment of ogling joy. WHY AM I HERE? Your inner voice speaks at last breaking the cat spell.
You realize that you are now in a causality loop and the only way to break free is to NOT go back to the room that started this vicious circle. And since you are in the kitchen why not have a snack? You open the fridge and rummage for home grown fast-food Ala left-over surprise. Oh the possibilities are surprisingly endless! You brain notes that you have not had chicken within the last week or month – yet oddly there seems to be large quantities of left-over chicken. Or perhaps it is an evolved egg that was left in the fridge too long and has now gone through a full processed chicken life cycle within your fridge! Which may also explain some of the foul smelling drippings in the lower portions of the fridge. Hmmm possibly time to clean the fridge!
You begin piling the mysteries of your fridge along the counter, and then you realize that even CSI: Hells Kitchen would fail to identify any of these items. Very likely opening any of the sealed containers would cause an environmental incident involving government agencies and hazmat suits. Likely, just to be safe a 10-block area of your neighbourhood should be evacuated. As you ponder the implications you notice the containers that have been out the longest, that have begun warming in the hot afternoon sun dancing off the sun-catcher, are moving. They are hopping up and down in a surprising rhythmic dance as the furry muppet-like content jiggles and bubbles. Acting with surprising speed you pop the items back into the cold confines of your fridge, and breath a sigh of relief. You now remember why you eat out so often. And why left-overs enter your fridge but never ever leave. Perhaps you have discovered an alien life-form? Yes! You have UFOs in your fridge!
Quickly you rush out of the room and hop on the internet to see how you can report this earth-shattering galactic discovery. Out of the kitchen and back into causality! There is a reason you are not on your computer before this moment and you can see the reason you rushed into the kitchen the first, second and penultimate other times. Heavy sigh descends and the loop resumes where it had left off.
Oh the title you ask? I have no idea really. Just popped into my head. Reminded me of something – but then I started to write and well I kinda forget why. Huh.
In the end it seems the world apparently is a funny place. DOH. Tragically we’ve already been down this thought path. Might be best if I just leave it to you to decide the funny factor.
Posted in Debt, Depression, Joke, Schadenfreude, Writing, |Ramble
Tagged Blame, dream, Inner, moving ahead, Ramble, self, wasting time, words, Writing
Hi there. Well this is awkward. Look you don’t know me. Heck I am not even sure you have noticed me before. I live in this small town in a rather insignificant part of North America. It actually doesn’t even show up as anything more than a speck on the surface of the world. On the land surface that is. And considering like the world is mostly water, a smudge on the dry part isn’t really much of anything at all.
So anyway, I just wanted to say I have noticed you, and well ahh you are rather appealing. I find you so fascinating and intriguing. Yeah, yeah, I know awkward. And forward. I am bad in that way. No social graces really. I don’t just walk up in this way and start blathering. Well not often. Usually I am too busy scripting my imaginary approach – which usually means I talk myself out of the approach long before it actually might possibly happen. Honesty is my strength and downfall.
I know – I am definitely not your usual type. You like those extroverted bubbly make you laugh until your sides hurt, and now you wish you had worn some Depends. Conversation for one thing is not my strong-point. Small-talk really is beyond my grasp. Usually my version of small-talk goes like this: You say “Nice weather we are having.” and I respond: “Yep.” Somehow that never goes anywhere else – opportunity stymied. At that point the awkward stare and foot shuffle and the much clearing of throats occurs. Splat. Well that was fun.
I am common at best. Ordinary human in every measurable way. The usual B student. Handwriting scrawled yet still legible. Average North American weight and height. Which makes me slightly short and slightly fat by the standards of the world. Average North America age – which means I am on the downhill side of life and picking up speed fast. Middle class. Which sadly means I am economically better than most – and still unable to get ahead.
University degree in the liberal arts. Yet somehow ended up a knowledge worker with a flair for technological geekiness. I have written entire corporate applications. I know COBOL. That I guess is something. Sorta. Well not really.
Farm boy by childhood. I have raised chickens and hogs, and slaughtered them for the dinner table. Made sausage. Eaten freshly warm chicken livers fried in freshly rendered chicken fat. That is a heavenly treat beyond words. Shot and killed marauding predators that stalked our livestock. Fought skunks and porcupines in close-combat porch situations – not sure who actually won. They ending up a corpse and I left standing either quilled or stenched.
Anyway I ramble. Minutiae of an ordinary past, from an ordinary childhood, and an ordinary lifestyle still lived in countless places around the world. A long spew to say I have been bloodied, and I have been bloody. But all in an ordinary living life kinda way.
I have been paid to be a carpenter and a painter. Ran wires through walls and ceilings for electricity and data. Climbed ladders, fallen off ladders. Split my head open on physical and mental walls. AH. Your eyes glaze over at my listing of lists. See more minutiae… I ramble when I am nervous. Blather on and on about insignificant details from an insignificant life lived.
I have probably taken up more of your time than you thought I would. I am grateful for you listening so patiently for me to get to my point. If I have a point. I think I do – at least it is a point for me. Might be pointless for you. Even a mere nonpoint, delivered in a self-important pointed way…
World – well I just wanted to say: I am an admirer. You are full of life and energy and change. There are times – well actually it is most of the time, that I am beneath your notice. Actually, one might even say always. Yet you have also still always been there for me. I depend on you to be there when I wake up. To hold me up even when I am down.
So here is to you World! Thanks for being there. You have no idea how important that is to all us ordinary folks that wander across your surface trying to leave our mark in passing. My life has been nothing special – no great successes and also no great tragedies. But you know what – this is my nothing special, and well that makes it rather unique from my viewpoint.
Thanks. Be seeing ya around.
respectfully
MerlinSpielen
Posted in Debt, Depression, Joke, Schadenfreude, Writing, |Ramble
Tagged Blame, dream, Inner, moving ahead, Ramble, self, wasting time, words, Writing
Yesterday I posted a ramble on a concept of personal mathematics. As part of that personal symbolic space used to define the pattern of me, I alluded to a concept of nothing. Symbolically, nothing is represented as zero or drawn as that familiar circle enclosing empty space: 0
Paradoxically by defining nothing as a symbol, nothing then becomes something. At its heart nothing is the absence of something, yet when nothing becomes a zero it is actually something. A zero is the abstract measure of nothing. This symbolic conception of the essence of nothing is critical to any mathematical system. Before the system exists, before an object exists, or when it no longer exists, what begins and remains is always zero. But it is not zero until it is observed as being nothing or conceived of in some mind as starting from nothing.
Just like the hypothetical question of “if a tree falls in the forest – and there is no one to hear – does it make a sound?” the same concept applies to nothing. If nothing falls to the ground and there is no one there to see it – is it really nothing at all? It is the act of observation of nothing that gives it significance, and in turn gives that nothing its existence. A nothing unobserved and unremarked has never existed, and never will exist.
My readers are now going “that makes absolutely no sense!” I challenge you to find me a nothing that has never been observed. Be very careful for the very act of noting that nothing will in fact void its status have never having been observed! That nothing has now been encircled and symbolically captured as a “zero”.
From a personal mathematics system, we all begin as nothing. Before us our parents sprang from nothing, and before them their parents, and so on back through the first nothing. This leads to an interesting mind bender – nothing begets nothing. Nothing leads to nothing. And from nothing comes nothing. Yet each link of nothing leads to something. The trick is understanding at what point nothing becomes something. We of course do this all the time in our own lives turning hundreds of nothings into something throughout lives. It is one of the great things about being human, we can dwell on nothing, let nothing consume us. And in the end have nothing become a horrible something spawned from our own minds connecting nothing to nothing until it is overwhelming our reality.
The trick to handling nothing is to not allow it to have focus. The more energy we pour into nothing, the more energy it will demand. Nothing is after all infinite in its vastness, and the more we allow nothing to consume us, the bigger it becomes. Nothing is only dissipated when simply let it become nothing.
And yes this is now a zen mind trick. Here we move from the concept of “zero” to the concept of “mu”. While zero is bounded and contains nothing. Mu is the concept of ‘nothingness’ as fully existing without the actual nothing being observed or embraced. This is the impossibility of the ultimate zen state of being. Finding that balance of simply being, without interacting with the awareness of being.
Now the reader throws up their hands in frustration and points out my earlier statement – ‘A nothing unobserved and unremarked has never existed, and never will exist.’ So how then is the mu even possible? Perhaps it is not. Only you will ever know if you have attained a mu state in yourself – yet the very observation of the mu state then negates the mu state. Circularly annoying!
I leave you with one last mental concept of the importance of nothing in this ramble. Observe a tea cup. Or a coffee mug. Or even a bowl. It is a tangible object that we can see and touch and hold. Yet what makes it useful is the fact it is designed to hold nothing. It is the empty space bounded by the the material around that empty space that makes a cup or a bowl actually a useful object. This is true of many of the everyday objects we use to make our lives easier. Bounded nothing is open to the potential of being useful, and useful in ways only limited by our imagination.
And so I leave you with nothing else to say.
Posted in Energy, Fiction, Happiness, Mathematics, Memory, Poem, Psychology, Schadenfreude, Writing
Tagged Beauty, Gray wolf, Inner, Love, Math, poem, poetry, wasting time, words, Writing, zero
Mathematics is simply the study of patterns. Yes I know mathematicians like to speak of quantity, and measurement, and relationships, and sets and blah de blah blah la de dah dah. Nothing like making mystically impenetrable what is obvious to the child – mathematics is all about patterns in time and space. Numbers are not mathematics. Numbers are symbols to represent a mathematical pattern.
Because math is simply patterns, it needs a special language to symbolically represent the patterns of the universe. The more complex the pattern, the more convoluted and abstract becomes the symbols needed to represent the patterns.
Given that mathematics is patterns then it makes sense that we all in fact have our own personal mathematics embedded into our being. Our own patterns and relationships to the pattern of the word around us. An inner mathematics of ourselves. This concept of “personal mathematics” may seem implausible to some of my readers – after all isn’t mathematics a rule set we all share? Well sure it can be – which rules would you like to use? The reality is that depending on that pattern that is being symbolically captured we can change the rules that are in the mathematical space.
For example let us consider geometry. Geometry is the mathematical representative of objects in a symbolic space. For most of us this is the standard Euclidean geometry of planes and lines and Cartesian numbers. The classical geometry of triangles, quadrangles. polygons, circles, and into the more complex rules of three-dimensional objects. All really just points and angles in an imaginary plane. Euclidean geometry is the most accessible of the mathematical rule sets – because it is tangible. But then there are non-euclidean models of geometry. Convoluted spaces that we cannot see – yet we can imagine and create and measure and apply to real world problems.
And so it is with our own inner world. A geometric inner world of folded space and untouchable angles lost in intersecting and overlapping planes of being. Faceted layers of us, crystallized and entwined in imaginary space, yet as real and hard as any matrix of carbon in a diamond.
In my personal mathematics I start with nothing. From zero we expand outward into infinite possibilities, yet bounded within the frame of our bodies and thoughts. A rule of all of us is this: What I believe I make real. That doesn’t mean what I believe is “true” and testable just because I believe it. But it is real inside my personal space and defines the way I interact with the world, and the way the world interacts with me. Placebo effect is the most common manifestation of the “What I believe I make real” rule in action.
Next in the personal mathematics is the concept of “one”. One is the unit, the block, the base, the starting measure of all other measures. Without a definition of one, of a unity, there can be no understanding of two. And without two there is no three, and no possibility of infinity. The distance from zero to one is in itself infinite, yet measurable and bounded. From one to two is of equal magnitude. To step beyond “one” is to grow beyond limits and understand that there is more than what is contained within. Some people never get beyond the defining of one, never understand the magnitude of two, yet somehow coast on through spawning three and beyond. Yet infinity remains beyond their grasp.
As for me I am still mired in zero, with no hope of understanding even one. Unity eludes me, and yet I long for the idea of two and beyond. My personal mathematics is constrained and symbolically void. The geometry of me is mired in the two-dimensional planes of parallel lines and non-intersecting space. I am non-Euclidean which is both a point of pride, and a spatial damnation of the most relativistic form.
There is more to explore here in these concepts of personal mathematics. Perhaps I will write more on each symbol embedded in my personal mathematica of inner space.
Posted in Depression, Energy, Fiction, Happiness, Mathematics, Memory, Poem, Psychology, Schadenfreude, Writing
Tagged Beauty, Gray wolf, Inner, Love, poem, poetry, wasting time, words, Writing
whites and
bright colours ooze
drunken down
spiralling widdershins
wobbling rancid gelatins
slopping globbing dropping
smackety splat
mushed rainbow miasma
blending blurring binding
churning into browns
deeper down
rotting putrescence seeping
festering slime
of the true and real
original inner eye
darkly down
here there is no light
no laughter
nothing to love
and no way back
all fetid brown
now fully gone into
black…
misty grey clouds trace
wet across my face
raining fingerprints
in sullen cold drips
of random splotches
the road is black silk
passing beneath quick
echoing footsteps
and pacing of breaths
kicking up notches
runner’s bliss tingles
rippling up my thighs
endorphins surging
mind body sprinting
against the darkness
in this space unseen
slipping deep between
fixed reality
flux of rhapsody
freed from our boxes
Here I am free
to simply be
unrestrained
in breathing
heart beating
unencumbered
by what was
or will be.
raise a cup
and drink deep of life
- to your health!
Inspired by the word prompt “HEALTH” at
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each and every drop of water in your body
sways in hypnotic waves of to and fro
enticing my yang to your yin.
I gave you my heart
to hold, keep, protect from harm.
Oh so many parts.
Inspired by the APRIL A2Z CHALLENGE word prompt “BETRAYAL” at
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those small broken dreams
are where we start over and
turn sunny-side up.
Inspired by the APRIL A2Z CHALLENGE word prompt “EGG” at
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Oval perfection
filled with possibility
waiting to break free.
Inspired by the APRIL A2Z CHALLENGE word prompt “EGG” at
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Friday slips off the work clock and into the weekend
leaving me walking down long echoing hallways
The deserted parking lot shimmers with spring heat
as I zigzag across the painted yellow lines
No place to be, no destination in mind,
I simply drive and find I have arrived
somehow someplace somewhere
rather underwhelming surprising
apparently I am looking for flooring
I walk up and down aisles surveying
hardwood, laminate or linoleum.
pondering cold ceramic or practicle slate
around me couples debate the merits of maple
pros and cons of pine, dark woods and light woods
Is it better to click or nail it all down?
Sales associates circle me offering advice
on selecting mocha over chocolate or raspberry spice
What mood are you setting? How is your trim?
Perhaps you should come in with your wife?
I smile and assure then there is no wife to consider
They nod in understanding and begin again
Ahh yes then your partner surely he has a say?
I frown and assure them the choice is all mine
This news confuses them and they drift away
to help coordinate the domestically paired
Down paint aisles I wander fondling brushes
ogling paint trays, sandpaper and samples
colourful chips all in a flowering row
yellows and oranges in eggshell or gloss
greens and beiges in latex or not?
The women at the counter come and go
clearly seeing I am no Michael Angelo
I grow bored
I grow bored
considering how the paint should be rolled
What colours do I pair?
Do I dare choose a peach?
Blend it with a flannel white?
Pick the tones of a sandy beach?
How might they blend
each to each?
And then I turn to the Associates and say
“That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all.”
I do not know why I even care
to ponder so long my dull empty bedroom walls
it is not as if any other eyes will ever see
the subtlety of choice and reflection
enshrined around my single doubled bed
I may as well paint it all black
or simply leave it virginal white
swinging between opposite spectrums
of painted despair or spackled hope
I wander away with an empty palette
only to find I am sipping black coffee
in an outdoor cafe watching women laugh
in slow seductive swirls of their hair
entertaining gravid memories of flesh
clinging desperately to pulsing flesh
in mewling dance and throbbing need
My cup grows cold in slow bitter sips
but I persist beyond my better judgement
And so it is decided
my walls will be burnt orange
sapid sweet fruit charred into darkness.
this box holds all i was
in scraps of wrinkled paper
fading chromatic chemicals
bonded into smiling synchronicity
enticing chemical neural misfiring
dancing across my cortex
laughter and tears
seeping from my face
forgetting the years
across time and place
now here is only memory
once I brimmed with hope
longing desire and need
now I am only memory
lit by incandescent dreams
of what I once held dear
nevermore to be touched again
once I was life alive living
gyrating vibrating interplay
now I in silence reminisce
in the twilight of my day
holding to fading memory
Spring never lasts
or lingers long enough
We await the arrival
as days grow longer
tickles of warmth
enticing us to shed
only to be wrapped
in lurking cold winds
And then summer grabs us
full force of burning heat
seeping into our bodies
while vivid green life
bursts into lusciousness
of sweet berries and
buzzing drizzle of honey
Too quickly summer fades
into golden mellow autumn
offering lazy satisfaction
in warm lingering afterglow
chill edge in the breeze
as darkness comes too soon
and crisp white sheets
fall cool across our bodies
as winter returns
reclaiming her hold on us
and the fading world
chill smile on her lips
winter knows the sun
is an ephemeral star
doomed to fade
until only winter remains…
Thawing winter floods
divided our longing hearts.
Desire filled the gap.
Inspired by the APRIL A2Z CHALLENGE word prompt “BRIDGE” at
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Once upon a time:
we’re born, live, love, fail, fly, die.
Just our words remain.
Inspired by the APRIL A2Z CHALLENGE word prompt “STORY” at
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FLEDGLINGS FIRST ATTEMPT AT FLIGHT (Photo credit: roberthuffstutter)
Poised on extreme edge
wings daring thin air to hold.
To fly you must fall.
Inspired by the APRIL A2Z CHALLENGE word prompt “DAREDEVIL” at
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Today is May 1st and finally feeling like winter has left. It also feels like winter has zipped straight into summer without any gradual ramp up from freezing to mildly delightful. Instead we are simply into the sweat zone! Ick.
Still it is nice to wander outside in t-shirt and shorts and enjoy the caress of wind and sunshine. If I am not careful I will probably burn!
In many parts of the northern hemisphere today is considered the first real day of spring – and in many countries today is a public holiday filled with celebration and festivities. Being a celebration of spring it is also a day connected to life, love and fertility. In its connection to the season May 1st is a celebration of the new planting year, and the birth of new livestock.
On the more festive time it is a time to indulge in merriment and pleasure. In spring a young man’s fancy turns to love goes the saying – and in spring love turns into dancing and frolicking fun!
As I sit on my deck and enjoy the weather – I raise a cold beer and wish you all a happy May Day!
it seems so easy
the journey from A to Z
simply black and white.
Inspired by the APRIL A2Z CHALLENGE word prompt “Zebra Crossing” at
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Innocence seeping
bubbling laughter escaping
revealing life’s joy.
Inspired by the APRIL A2Z CHALLENGE word prompt “Youngling” at
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There is a memory
of once upon a day
when I was somehow
somebody’s someone
in some mystical way
Anticipation gnawing
towards the end of day
calling me toward her
laughter over dinner
wine light in her eyes
twilight nestling play
Where does happiness go
when it sneaks away?
leaving fading photos
of who we once were
hiding in old boxes
until they all decay
now my day is over
shadows settling grey
evening wraps around
with the folding sun
no warm evening lights
calling me home to play
Yet here I am at home
pile of bills to pay
creaking cracking nighfall
cold sheets on an unmade bed
blare of a foreign movie
keeping silence at bay
In the kitchen I search
for a meal and survey
last week’s fetid remains
festering in the sink
decide on cold canned beans
warmed by bottled whiskey
I eat in the living room
then on the couch I lay
with my left-handed lover
my right stroking a touchpad
remembering how it feels
to bodily dance and sway
Has it really been ten years
since the queen of the may
has graced me with a kiss
and her intentional touch?
So now I write pathetic poetry
inspired by yearning want
tinged with risque cliche
This is as good as it gets
as we age and waste away
from bright burning youth to
aged stale breath counting down
the moments we’ve left to live
much to our fading dismay
Blank winter canvas
transformed by hot kiss of spring.
Colour running wild.
Inspired by the APRIL A2Z CHALLENGE word prompt “Open Prompt Day” at
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a copy of you
remains a pale duplicate
leaving me unfilled.
Inspired by the APRIL A2Z CHALLENGE word prompt “Xerox” at
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spring warmth unleashes
frozen rivers quick laughter
leaping joy downstream.
Inspired by the APRIL A2Z CHALLENGE word prompt “Waterfall” at
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feel it simmering
hot flowing hunger bubbling
eruption enjoined.
Inspired by the APRIL A2Z CHALLENGE word prompt “Volcano” at
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pulled over full force
from solo routine of life
into your embrace.
Inspired by the APRIL A2Z CHALLENGE word prompt “Jasmine” at
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unexpected rush
sweeping tumbling over me
in sweet waves of you.
Inspired by the APRIL A2Z CHALLENGE word prompt “Tsunami” at
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You rise like Aphrodite
swelling from the surf
dripping warm salt water
in your foamy wake
the ocean of your veins
pounds time in my ears
seduces my heart with
walking rise and fall
of your mesmerizing waves
drowning me in the pull
of your rushing tide.
The brighter the day
the nearer you stand to me.
Each night you leave me.
Inspired by the APRIL A2Z CHALLENGE word prompt “Shadow”” at
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I found your picture
lurking in my drawer
I didn’t need it
to remember you
cause you’re always
waiting in my mind
every moment we had
etched across my eyes
I remember when you left
heading off to find yourself
just needing a little space
we stood at the bus door
clinging locked in embrace
you whispering so sweetly
you’d be back real soon
I held you
I held you
and you never reached back
I held you
I held you
and then you walked away
I waited for the phone-calls
that you promised to make
I waited for those letters
that never found my door
I wonder if you read the words
I wrote to you each day
Did you see the way the ink
was smearing across the days?
Did you ever think of me?
I heard you were married
and driving fancy cars
Am I ever in your mind?
Or am I just another memory
locked inside some little box
underneath a happy stairway?
I held you
always in my heart
I held you
until I was torn apart
I held you
and let you get away
I held you
I held you
and I never moved ahead.
come closer to me
yes there – now watch my lips move.
No words in-between.
Inspired by the APRIL A2Z CHALLENGE word prompt “Open Prompt Day” at
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sharp green dance on tongue
memory of pine and lamb
celebrating life.
Inspired by the APRIL A2Z CHALLENGE word prompt “Rosemary” at
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icon of past dreams
towering skyline ego
declares I was here.
Inspired by the APRIL A2Z CHALLENGE word prompt “Qutub Minar at
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undesirable
pushed aside adrift exiled
my name unspoken.
Inspired by the APRIL A2Z CHALLENGE word prompt “Pariah”” at
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Owl (Photo credit: jennicatpink)
swift silent darkness
swoops moon-eyed across shadows.
trembling dreams of mice.
Inspired by the APRIL A2Z CHALLENGE word prompt “OWL” at
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wrapped in my darkness
your voice lures me to daylight
in soft healing notes.
Inspired by the APRIL A2Z CHALLENGE word prompt “Nightingale” at
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