It has suddenly dawned on me what this world needs more of, oh so much more. First of all you all need more advice and wisdom. Don’t worry I have that covered – so stay with me and I’ll share that with you. No charge. Second of all the world simply needs more lists. So here is a dangling listicle of advisement pleasure:
- There are no rules for blogging. Yes you heard me right – you get to do whatever you think is best when writing a blog. Shocking I know. Take a deep breath and let that sink in for a moment.
- There are rules for good blogging. Yeah I messed with you there with Number 1, and that first big reveal of freedom. There are things you can do to create an effective popular blog. When I find out what those things are I will share them with you via an e-book. Only $29.95. But if you pre-order now I will take say $5 via paypal? It is an investment in your future.
- Don’t write poetry. Poetry blogs suck. Anyone that writes poetry sucks. They are angst filled pound-puppy rejects of blogging swill. Don’t believe me? This is a Poetry Blog – go ahead take a look around – OH…and bring a bucket.
- Post Photos. Lots of photos. It will guarantee your success as a blogger. The internet started out as text and slip-streamed into images and video faster than a porn-star on blow. Which reminds me that the biggest hits on the internet are naked pictures of women and cats. Only the cats aren’t naked. The other common element is both types of photos often include boxes of on kind or another. Mostly the other.
Obligatory naked pussy-cat photo…
- Sex. I don’t have to explain this do I? You know the old saying those who can do – and the rest of us read about it.
- Be a woman blogger. Women bloggers get followers faster than flowers get bees. Especially attractive women. And if you are a witty, attractive woman it is even better. Add a provocative photo of yourself, and the internet is like a baby crying for a nipple. I started a TUMBLR account as a twenty-something woman, re-posting steamy photos and I had more followers and dirty emails in a month then I could handle. And mostly those emails were all about the handling. I deleted the account.
- Be a celebrity blogger. Nothing says success like being a celebrity sharing your thoughts and opinions on everything, everywhere, every time. Of course being a celebrity kinda bypasses the whole chicken-and-egg dilemma from the blogging sense. Being a celebrity ensures the success of your blog no matter what you are saying. Add some photos of yourself – maybe topless sun-bathing and Oh-la-la! And yes twitter counts as blogging when you post every 30-seconds…
- Write about celebrities. It is like Number 7 in a coat-tails parasitic symbiosis kinda way. And I mean that in the best ways possible! Naked photos add hits (see Jennifer Lawrence…)
- Be funny! I cannot emphasize this enough. Funny gets you followers. We all lead bitter lonely lives in our own silent realities – why do I need to read about someone else’s sad sorry life? I tried to be funny once – it was quite the tragedy.
- Be tragic! I just said “Be Funny” and now I say “Be Tragic”? Look I don’t have to be right when I give out free advice, but I do have to cover all the bases. The best thing in the world is a sad-tragic tale told in a darkly humorous style. It is good to laugh – it is even better to laugh at other people’s misery and stupidity! Add some photographs and SNAP! You is a blogging star.
- Create Lists. Lots and lots of lists. Want people to view hundreds of naked women (or fully furred felines?) then create a list of TOP-TEN Bikini Bodies. Mix in pictures of cats in bikinis and you have multiple points from this list covered! You will be a google god!
- Mention Jennifer Lawrence at least once. Search Optimization. Jennifer Lawrence Naked is the number one search term out there.
- Never have Thirteen items in your list. It is just way too long!
- Post in time for breakfast. People want to read short-snappy feel good items as they have a coffee. Eggs over-easy with a side of listicals. Oh that is good.
I guarantee that if you follow my advice you will be a blogger. Mainly because if you follow my advice you will create a blog – and so it follows you are then a blogger. The successful part has nothing to do with me or my listical of blogging wisdom.
Carry on and keep blogging.
Jennifer Lawerence – hey is she actually wearing anything?
It is silent here.
No laughter. No voices. No keyboard clicks of wonderment and joy.
It is empty here. Mostly it has always been that way. The longer I do this blogging act of desperation, the wiser I become as to my own talent and star-power. I got nothing.
I’ve tried the various techniques to build audience and traffic. Did the hours and hours of visits to other blogs and other sites. Leaving traces of my own passing. Calling cards and invitations for others to come back here and play. Natch.
I posted two poems yesterday. I have over 3000 theoretical followers. I cross-posted and re-posted across a dozen other sites and social media hubs. Wait what is that sound? Do you hear it. It is only the wind whispering over the Ethernet, the wind chortling ever so softly: “loser.”
Yesterday’s grand total views: 32
And over half of those views are here: http://merlinspielen.com/2013/06/18/fear-of-apples/
I guess I should take solace that I own the searches for Fear of Apples and Malusdomesticaphobia. I am a google god!
Why do I bother? Been 4 years of posting now. Almost daily. I should probably stop wasting my time. Or at least stop fretting about how many people read these words.
So tell me is anyone actually reading these posts? Or should I just pack it all in and fuggedaboutit…
I know mainly what I am doing wrong is writing crappy meaningless poetry. Without any pretty pictures. I should include pictures. Pretty pictures of naked women to accompany my poems. Of course if I had naked women to to take pictures of, well I wouldn’t be writing poetry. I’d have other things on my mind. Or at least on my face…oh now maybe that will get me some more hits! Salacious delicious sexual content.
Okay carry on then – did my regular angst-dump on WTF am I doing writing this crap and paying for the privilege of hosting.
The reality is sinking in at this point. I am quite adequate with words. I’m just not very good at it. And no matter what I will always scrawl out random stanza’s that leak from another dimension.
Yeah I know: Life isn’t fair, and that is just the way it is. I saw Labyrinth so I get the life-lesson already.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Oh my! Today is the day of superstition! Friday the 13th
For those that are not aware – in western mythology a Friday the 13th is bad-luck. A day of misfortune. Unfortunately no one really seems to know why this might be the case!
I have never placed any belief in the bad-luck of Friday the 13th – and so far I have not seen any side-effects. The town of Port Dover in Ontario actually celebrates the day! It started out as a motor-cycle enthusiast excuse to show of bikes and party – and now is pretty much just an excuse to party.
So Happy Friday the Thirteenth! And Good Luck to all
I have no idea who this is but I stumbled across this song and I think she is brilliant!
give her a listen and share! Let’s see if we can make this video trend :)
Silence is soothing.
At the right time and place. There are moments when we just want quiet. When we desire peaceful reflection. Moments of simply wanting to reside in the harbour of ourselves. Silence chosen and embraced is the sweet blissful cocoon of tea for one and a book at midnight. Wrapped in soft blanket on the couch I savour each sip, each word, and wander the paths of imagination.
Silence is bitter.
At 4:30 AM when the world is asleep, and all around is the dead of night. Even the creak of the house long settled into the cold silence of the dark. Silence then is as bitter as black coffee. Espresso doubled down and chugged straight up and hot. I slip out of bed and wander the empty silence of my house. Standing in each cold empty room looking for answers, looking for voices. But it is only the echo of me rambling to myself.
Silence is nothing.
A gap the size of the moon dancing across the skies, slipping over stars and planets. Dancing between streaks of light from comets. Silence is the sputtering of candles defying the dark, defying the rain, defying the wind, defying time. The candles never win, but oh how they burn, oh how they dazzle with bright burning flames. Silence is the gasp in the moment after you and I. As we pull apart and lie side-by-side, side-by-each, alone in the racing of our hearts.
Silence is absence.
Empty spaces in my memory of people who made me laugh. Made me cry. Made me love them. Perhaps they even loved me. At least in silence I can dream and think; believe that once they cared to call my name and longed to hold me near. Silence frees the ghosts of the past to wander through my mind with stories of ‘what if…’ and ‘remember when…’
Silence is sharp.
Razor edged slicing away what needs to be forgotten. Slicing deep and opening wounds we cannot leave alone. Silence is when we are fully ourselves; undistracted, undissolved, undistilled. The raw essence of I fully exposed to the sun and the sky. Bleeding away trickle by tick, droplets of time all bloody and slick. Revealing the truth to a stupid old dick. In silence there is no hiding from regret and sweet guilt.
Silence is golden.
What more is there to say? Silence is needed, and simply embraced. Held close to feel cold reality and warm life still breathing, still beating, still in this frame. Silence speaks loudly – and when we listen closely silence sets us free.