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Ramble: Blogging Advice from Hell


It has suddenly dawned on me what this world needs more of, oh so much more. First of all you all need more advice and wisdom. Don’t worry I have that covered – so stay with me and I’ll share that with you. No charge. Second of all the world simply needs more lists. So here is a dangling listicle of advisement pleasure:

  1. There are no rules for blogging. Yes you heard me right – you get to do whatever you think is best when writing a blog. Shocking I know. Take a deep breath and let that sink in for a moment.
  2. There are rules for good blogging. Yeah I messed with you there with Number 1, and that first big reveal of freedom. There are things you can do to create an effective popular blog. When I find out what those things are I will share them with you via an e-book. Only $29.95. But if you pre-order now I will take say $5 via paypal? It is an investment in your future.
  3. Don’t write poetry. Poetry blogs suck. Anyone that writes poetry sucks. They are angst filled pound-puppy rejects of blogging swill. Don’t believe me? This is a Poetry Blog – go ahead take a look around – OH…and bring a bucket.
  4. Post Photos. Lots of photos. It will guarantee your success as a blogger. The internet started out as text and slip-streamed into images and video faster than a porn-star on blow. Which reminds me that the biggest hits on the internet are naked pictures of women and cats. Only the cats aren’t naked. The other common element is both types of photos often include boxes of on kind or another. Mostly the other.

    https://i2.wp.com/farm1.static.flickr.com/30/91108977_7f069dc9a4.jpg

    Obligatory naked pussy-cat photo…

  5. Sex. I don’t have to explain this do I? You know the old saying those who can do – and the rest of us read about it.
  6. Be a woman blogger. Women bloggers get followers faster than flowers get bees. Especially attractive women. And if you are a witty, attractive woman it is even better. Add a provocative photo of yourself, and the internet is like a baby crying for a nipple. I started a TUMBLR account as a twenty-something woman, re-posting steamy photos and I had more followers and dirty emails in a month then I could handle. And mostly those emails were all about the handling. I deleted the account.
  7. Be a celebrity blogger. Nothing says success like being a celebrity sharing your thoughts and opinions on everything, everywhere, every time. Of course being a celebrity kinda bypasses the whole chicken-and-egg dilemma from the blogging sense. Being a celebrity ensures the success of your blog no matter what you are saying. Add some photos of yourself – maybe topless sun-bathing and Oh-la-la! And yes twitter counts as blogging when you post every 30-seconds…
  8. Write about celebrities. It is like Number 7 in a coat-tails parasitic symbiosis kinda way. And I mean that in the best ways possible! Naked photos add hits (see Jennifer Lawrence…)
  9. Be funny! I cannot emphasize this enough. Funny gets you followers. We all lead bitter lonely lives in our own silent realities – why do I need to read about someone else’s sad sorry life? I tried to be funny once – it was quite the tragedy.
  10. Be tragic! I just said “Be Funny” and now I say “Be Tragic”? Look I don’t have to be right when I give out free advice, but I do have to cover all the bases. The best thing in the world is a sad-tragic tale told in a darkly humorous style. It is good to laugh – it is even better to laugh at other people’s misery and stupidity!  Add some photographs and SNAP! You is a blogging star.
  11. Create Lists. Lots and lots of lists. Want people to view hundreds of naked women (or fully furred felines?) then create a list of TOP-TEN Bikini Bodies. Mix in pictures of cats in bikinis and you have multiple points from this list covered! You will be a google god!
  12. Mention Jennifer Lawrence at least once. Search Optimization. Jennifer Lawrence Naked is the number one search term out there.
  13. Never have Thirteen items in your list. It is just way too long!
  14. Post in time for breakfast. People want to read short-snappy feel good items as they have a coffee. Eggs over-easy with a side of listicals. Oh that is good.

I guarantee that if you follow my advice you will be a blogger. Mainly because if you follow my advice you will create a blog – and so it follows you are then a blogger. The successful part has nothing to do with me or my listical of blogging wisdom.

Carry on and keep blogging.

https://i1.wp.com/healthyceleb.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/Jennifer-Lawrence-2014.jpg

Jennifer Lawerence – hey is she actually wearing anything?

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9 responses

    1. I guarantee if you follow my advice you will be rich and famous and a blogger. Or at least one of those. No warranty implied or granted. Your mileage may vary.
      Okay really I wouldn’t count on any of this helping you do anything.

      Like

      1. Check is in the mail 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes – fortune has smiled upon me today!

        Like

    2. This is now my most viewed item of the month. I credit Jennifer Lawrence. She is all powerful and alluring. I know it is all her because the search engine says so – and I have very few likes. Because I tricked people with my photos…Muhahahha

      Liked by 1 person

      1. If it makes you feel any better, I get less likes and hits than you. But I have my faithful group and I’m grateful 🙂

        Like

      2. Ummm – you get way more likes…
        But then you are way way more likable 🙂

        Like

      3. My most “liked” item from the last years is https://merlinspielen.com/2015/01/31/poem-six-years-to-the-day/
        With 23 likes…mostly I get around a dozen with 6 of those coming almost instantly on posting (and no views)…
        Anyway Likes are rather pointless as a score card. Views and comments show real engagement…and I am not engaging with my current blog posts….
        Sorry I am a puppy at heart – I need an occasional pat on the head along with a “good boy!”…
        Sadly…

        Like

      4. We all do. We all do.

        Liked by 1 person

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